Posted in Absurdity, Humor, Short Stories, Written Works

“Muffins Don’t Fly!”

The sequel to “The Truth about Hamsters”.

Muffins Don’t Fly!

(by Allison Rose)


Muffins don’t fly, right? I mean, they’re food. You eat them. A muffin levitating itself through the air is just about as conceivable as, say, a secret society of hamsters plotting to take over the world! Well, considering that has actually happened, I guess it’s definitely conceivable for a muffin to fly, too.

Weird things always happen to me when my parents aren’t home. This time, it was the first week of summer vacation, and my mom, who works in the children’s room at our local library, was there at a meeting to decide on this year’s summer reading list. My dad was out, too. I think he was playing golf. I was, as you would expect, home alone with nothing remotely interesting to do.

In the kitchen, I rummaged through the pantry in search of something to snack on. All I found was a lunchbox-sized container of FruitLoops®, and all the artificial flavors and colors didn’t look too appetizing.

Dejectedly, I was about to turn around and head back to the living room when I saw the answer to all my troubles. There, on the kitchen counter, as if it had been put there just for me, was a box of muffin mix!

According to the box, all I needed to do was add milk, three eggs and oil to the prepackaged muffin mix with freezer-dried blueberries, stir, and bake in a muffin tin. Now, that may sound easy, but like most things, it’s easier said than done. Nowhere in the instructions did it say that you should have more than three eggs on hand because, chances are, one of those three allotted eggs might break somewhere along the way from the egg carton to the mixing bowl. It also never said that the term “cups” refers to the liquid measurement, not your average drinking glass.

Approximately half an hour and five broken eggs later, I had the blueberry muffins sitting in the oven and was waiting for them to bake. But that would be too easy. While I’d set the timer for fifteen minutes, I hadn’t actually turned on the heat.

Eventually, the muffins actually finished baking, and when I took them out of the oven, the kitchen was filled with the scent of heavenly muffiny goodness.

I poured myself a big glass of cold milk and was about to reach for one of my delicious culinary creations, when—

“Hey, you!” a little voice said from somewhere below me.

Immediately, I looked down on the floor. Better not be one of those stupid hamsters trying to play tricks on me, I thought.

“Not there! Look up!”

Obediently, I looked up. Had the Hamster Liberation Society enlisted the services of talking pigeons?

“No, stupid! On the counter!”

Incredulously, I looked down and saw only my baking tin of blueberry muffins. And sure enough, all half dozen of them were looking up at me with big blueberry eyes.

“Egad!” I exclaimed. “You can talk?!”

“Yes,” they answered in unison. “Thank you for freeing us from our powdered state. Now, we can take over the world!” With that, the muffin in the lower right of the tin nodded ever so slightly (it’s pretty hard to nod if you’re a muffin,) at the muffin next to it, and slowly, ever so slowly…

…The muffn tin began to levitate.

“Faster, muffins, faster!” The lead muffin cackled. “We shall fly to the White House and overthrow the president! Then, the world shall be ours!”

Oh, no! I thought, nervously looking around the kitchen to see what I could do to stop these muffins from threatening my country, and the world. No, a fly swatter probably wouldn’t do the trick. If these muffins could fly, who knew what else they could do?

At that point, my survival instincts must’ve kicked in.  In utter desperation, I picked up the entire pan of hot, steaming muffins and hurled them out the kitchen window into the backyard. Mom would just have to be understanding when I tell her why her prized muffin tin was sticking out of her equally prized bed of pansies.

While I’d done away with one problem, namely evil flying muffins bent on taking over the world, I was still hungry. So I went to the refrigerator for one last look.

“Hey!” I heard a little voice say from the depths of the refrigerator. “You could’ve just had one of me, a V8!”

I slammed the refrigerator door shut. That was it. I was ordering a pizza, and that’d better not fly, too.


Advertisements

Author:

I'm an artist of multiple mediums, from creative writing to cosplay.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s