My friend Emily suggested that I should write about how the FITTs would react if they met each Figgie’s family. After playing with the idea for some time, towards the end of my Figment writing tenure, I turned this out:
FITT: A Family Visit
(by Allison in the TARDIS)
Anthony Ryder was the proud father of six adorable daughters and no sons. Having raised them to be quite individualistic and free-spirited, he learned to expect (and often accept) the most unexpected. It was no longer a traumatic experience to come home from a long day at work to have a painstakingly rigged bucket of paint poured down his collar; nor was suppertime an unpleasant occasion, as Carole, Corinne, Carmen, Chamomile (at this point, Mrs. Ryder had gotten creative), Chrysanthemum, and baby Cornelia Cecelia Chloe Cassandra (dubbed CeCeCeCe) were now allowed to eat just about whatever they wanted.
But in all his years of blissful parenthood, Anthony Ryder had never imagined, in all of his wildest dreams, that his eldest daughter would step out of a little blue police box that was parked smack-dab in the middle of his driveway.
Neither did he expect that she’d be followed by thirteen girls, three boys, and an it. However did they all fit?
“Hi, Dad!” his daughter called out as she stepped inside the house.
“Carole!” Anthony exclaimed, embracing his daughter. “I’m so glad you’ve come!”
Cece cringed at being called by her given name. “Yeah, I’m sorry it’s on such short notice. You see, I would’ve brought gifts for the girls, but time was tight and I only remembered that I was supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago and–” Her voice trailed off. She was babbling.
Anthony looked confused. For all he knew, Cece was studying in university in England, where his parents had grown up, not traveling through all of time and space with the Doctor! “Well,” he said hurriedly, “the girls will be happy to see you regardless. Won’t you invite your friends inside?”
Cece glanced over her shoulder, where Jack was unceremoniously faceplanted against the recently-cleaned bay window, and Celestine, Emory, Grace, Micah, Hayley, Claire, Tyler, Emii, Scarlett, Hannah, Anna, Gigi, and Skye were peering in.
“Yeah,” Cece stammered. “Sure.” She beckoned the other Figgies from the TARDIS inside.
Unfortunately, the other Ryder sisters had chosen this moment to stampede down the staircase in the front hall, thus colliding with the Figgies from the TARDIS.
“Aaaargh!” Tyler shrieked upon the impact of five Cece lookalikes.
“Aaaaargh!” Jack concurred. “More Ceces!”
“We’re not Ceces,” one of the Ceces said defiantly, crossing her arms. “I’m Corinne.”
“You’re who?” Jack repeated incredulously.
“No, that’s me!” the Doctor moaned from beneath a tangle of arms and legs.
“No, you’re the Doctor!” Scarlett snapped. “Your name isn’t Who!”
“No, my name is–” the Doctor cut himself off in time. He wasn’t ready to admit what his name was. Besides, everyone would laugh at him if they knew the truth. River just wouldn’t stop laughing the last time he’d seen her.
“Won’t you introduce your friends, Carole?” Anthony prompted.
“Carole?” Jack repeated incredulously, accompanied by a chorus of snickers.
Cece glared. She, like the Doctor, kept her given name a secret. “Um, Dad, this is Tyler….” She proceeded to introduce her friends.
“…And this is the Doctor.” Cece gestured at a short little boy with ginger hair.
“Pleased to meet you, Doctor,” Anthony said, offering his hand to Captain Jack.
“No, I’m Captain Jack Harknass,” Jack replied, shaking the man’s hand enthusiastically. “That is the Doctor.” Jack gestured to the same little boy with ginger hair.
“Doctor at your service,” the Doctor said sweetly, bowing down low like a Middle Earth dwarf awaiting his supper.
Anthony bent down to shake the boy’s hand before whispering to Cece, “Is he your professor at the university?”
Cece nodded her head a little two quickly. “Yeah.”
Eager to change the subject, Cece sniffed the air. “Has Mom been in the kitchen again?”
Anthony slapped his forehead. “That was the rice I put on the stove about … FORTY MINUTES AGO!!!”
While Anthony hightailed it over to the Ryders’ kitchen, from which brackish smoke emanated, Cece led the FFTT (Figgies from the TARDIS) into the living room. “Make yourselves comfortable, guys,” she said, pulling a chair out from underneath Jack’s behind.
“Yow!!” Jack yowled, landing on a pile of CeCeCeCe’s tinker toys.
Tyler began raiding the shelf full of DVDs. “They’ve got Duck Dynasty!” he crowed — or rather, quacked — excitedly.
“And all of the Sherlock Holmes movies,” Gigi sighed dreamily.
“Can we watch some?” Emii asked hopefully. Her request was echoed by four others, namely Cece’s siblings.
Except for one. “I wanna watch Barney!” Chrysanthemum wailed. “And your friend Mr. Harknass broke my toys!”
“Would you please stop calling me that?” Jack moaned. “And your toys broke me!”
“And he’s not my friend,” Cece added sharply. “And he’s immortal.”
“And immoral,” Hannah cut in.
“So he can’t get hurt forever.”
Jack pouted. “But I can still feel pain. Did that ever occur to any of you?”
Chamomile pinched Jack’s arm, testing the theory.
Scarlett just fell back onto one of the plushy beanbags that had been arranged by the TV and sighed. Celestine joined her. Both were of the sentiment that this visit to Cece’s family was going to be a long, unpleasant ordeal.